The Case of the Drunken Beach Ho
A Semi-Fiction Novel
By.... Peter Hill
I was blissfully asleep when a knock at the stage door arose me from my slumber. I opened my
eyes to see the clock. Through all the sharpie writing on the face of the stage clock, It looked like the
time was 8:05am. I thought to myself; "it can't be a bar back or bartender, it's too early for them to be here.
No one had mentioned that a plumber, delivery person or vendor was going to be showing up that morning.
At that point I figured it must be the bar owner. He was probably out late with his buddy's and he forgot his key.
Rubbing my eyes I made my way to the stage door. I turned the locking mechanism, a simple deadbolt with
keyed entry only, and opened the door a few inches. At the door stood a women (later I discovered her
name was Robin; a local girl from down the street. But, I'll get into that later). I asked her what she wanted.
She said she lost her phone the night before and asked if she could come inside and look for it. The only
answer I could give her was the same answer I would give anyone at that time of day, No. I told her she would
have to come by later when the bar is open. I then pulled the door closed and just as I was about to turn the
handle on the locking mechanism the door was pulled open with a violent torque effect ripping the door from
my grasp. Before I even had a chance to register in my still sleepy mind what was happening she flew past me.
It felt like a ghost in a haunted motel, just a fleeting image of a lost soul speedily searching for that final place
of rest. Well.... Ghost or no ghost. I realized at that point I had an intruder. I reached out the doorway to grab
the door handle to ensure the bar was safe before I addressed her. As I did, I noticed a white SUV parked in
the street with very dark windows. I thought to myself, "there must be someone else in the vehicle, no one in
their right mind would just park a car in the middle of the road". I looked back into the bar and the woman was
down by the cash register now. I figured at that point I’d better close and lock the door before I have more than
one person in the building to deal with. I locked the door and turned around to see that the woman was now
going further behind the bar area.
My frustration grew quickly as I proceeded from the stage door to the bar area. About half way to the bar
area, by the fireplace, we met eye to eye, face to face. In an angry, I just freakin woke up voice I yelled at
the woman, “You need to get the hell out of this bar now lady!!” She stood there motionless and looked at
me with glossy eyes and dilated pupils. I then asked her, using some quite unsavory language, “what the hell
would I need to say to you to get you to leave this building?!” I then proceeded to count down from 3. When I
got to number one, she headed towards the door and finally left the building. I was relieved. I felt like this whole
nightmarish event was at an end. I locked the door once again, went back to my couch and fell back into my
peaceful slumber, not to think of this again.
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