The Case of the Drunken Beach Ho
A Semi-Fiction Novel
By.... Peter Hill
For what was about a 30 minute ride I sat in an aluminum box inside a county van. This gives time for one to
contemplate the state of one’s existence in this current juncture of one’s presence on the geological clock that is this
planet Earth. Thinking to myself whilst contemplating the fact that I know I haven’t broken any laws that I have been
made aware of. (Although I am well aware of quite a few in my past). In this instance all I can do is imagine that this all
has to do with that Drunken Beach Ho. So, I sit back in my white suit, inside the little aluminum box, in the county van
thinking “What a load of crap”. I wonder if I’ll make it to the Jail in time for dinner? It’s been twenty years since I’ve
been in the County Jail. I wonder what’s for dinner? Damn I’m going to jail. This sucks.
I hear the sound of the van’s radio “Ksshhhh …..this is county….open sally port, over….Ksshhhhh…..Sally port
open...Ksshhhh”. After pulling up to the doorway, I’m headed to the Booking Room. I exit the van, un-cuffed and was
prompted to go into the building. So I did. They had me stand against the wall whilst they searched me again. Next I
was directed to the next available counter and began the booking process. When they took my photo I thought to
myself, “I wonder if I can get them to pay a royalty for use of my Image”. Copyright kind of stuff, ya know? They ask me
if have anything in my pockets. I look at them blankly in my white jump suit and after a second or two I think they
figured it out. Next was “what’s your name and all the standard questions”. I wanted to say “Dick Mountain”. But I didn’t.
Then the finger print thing. Man I tell ya, the technology they got now is pretty cool. That finger print thing was
amazing. No more ink on the hands.
Next it’s into the changing cell. I guess I kind of get some real clothes now. I still have my flip-flops, thankfully. Now
of course you don’t get real clothes until you pass the test. You all know the Test. That’s when they have to look you
over everywhere. Not a job I would be fond of. But, I guess it is a job that has to be done. I give credit to the people at
the County jail. They were pretty cool throughout this whole process. My only problem, I didn’t get the chance to deny
the charges against me before Officer “G” put me in cuffs. That wasn’t cool. At least tell the person why you are putting
cuffs on them. Kind of like, just um, you know common decency. Just tell me something. Kind of like, “I have to arrest
you and this is why”. But, like I said before, It’s twenty years later now.
Well now that I have my clothes. I am then directed to the Big Room. That’s where you have all your different
departments. Photo, nurse, phone, a bathroom, stuff like that. There are rows of chairs and a tv. I was surprised to see
it was co-ed. They had to sit in separate areas though, but it was a big room. No issues. Wow. Man…. I had a feeling I
would wake up in the future one day and things would be different. I guess it is, 20yrs different. So I sat down in one of
the chairs, unfolded the papers they gave me and BAM, It hit me hard, I could not believe what I was seeing. They are
charging me with Attempted Sexual Assault and False Imprisonment. Holy crap I thought, what the hell is going on
here. It’s not as if I attacked this woman!! All I did was yell a bunch of foul crap at her, then she took off. I thought “they
can’t have any evidence, because there was no crime”. So I guess I’ll just sit here and wait for this thing to sort itself
out. I sat back and just slipped into my own little world, waiting. Because I knew they would be calling my name soon.
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