The Case of the Drunken Beach Ho
A Semi-Fiction Novel
By.... Peter Hill
I proceed down the hallway and my eye catches a partially open door. An Officer motions to me and I realize this
is the room my Attorney is in. I peer through the half open doorway and I see a familiar face. It’s (we’ll call him Mr. “A”
for Attorney) Mr. “A” from the bar I play at. I thought to myself, “Hmmmmm I knew he was a Lawyer but I didn’t know
what kind.” As I shook his hand and took a seat I said, “funny seeing you here Mr. “A”. He tells me that he works
around this building all the time. He says he’s going to ask me some questions. I tell him that's fine, but I haven’t done
anything wrong. He’s says “I kinda of figured that Pete, since I have seen you at the bar for the last six years and feel I
know you pretty well. But you’re going to have to go through the process none the less because that’s the way it is”. I
say “alright then. What do you need from me.” He says he needs to hear my side of the story. So I proceed to tell him
my version of the events that took place when that Drunken Beach Ho forced her way into the bar. I also tell him that
Officer “G” did not tell me I was being arrested or the charges against me and did not read me my rights. Mr. “A” tells
me that they don’t have to read you your Miranda Rights unless they want to question you. Yeah, OK, I thought.
Maybe that’s why Officer “G” avoided conversation the way he did. Anyway, he writes down my side of the story and
tells me he’ll see what he can do about getting me out of here and that it may take some time. I said “cool dude I can
hang for a bit. This isn’t my first time in jail. Do what you can Mr. “A” and I appreciate you coming to see me.” He closes
his briefcase, shakes my hand and says he’ll be at my bond hearing later.
I exit the little room and an Officer walks me back to my cell block. I plop down on my boat bed and contemplate
what my bond hearing will be like. In the past I was always ROR’d (Released on your Own Recognizance). But I felt
these charges were a little different. I figured I most likely wouldn’t be able to pay a bail and that I may be incarcerated
for some time. I guess it depends on how long it takes these Government people to find out I am innocent. After all, I
am dealing with Humans here and Lord knows Humans tend to have their own idea of what constitutes reality.
Someone is trying to shaft me and I can’t figure out why. At this point in time it’s very difficult for me to believe that
some drunk chic would just make up a Rape story just because she lost her cell-phone. There has got to be more to
this story than I am presently aware of. Oh well…. Looks like I better get ready for lunch.
Lunch time. Some macaroni meat looking stuff, some vegetable looking stuff and a piece of cake. This time I take
the cake. I put my tray in a stack with the others and plop down on my boat until the other inmates are done eating and
a table opens up. I pull out my cards and play some solitaire. A few hours pass and I hear my name come over the
loud speaker. I walk over to the secure door and wait. The door opens and I go through and wait for the second door
to open. It does and I step through. The Officer points and says “go stand over there.” So I do. I’m with a couple other
dudes from other blocks and we all line up at a wall. The Officer tells us to put our hands on the wall and he searches
us. He then directs us to walk down the hall to the elevator. We get in the elevator and go down a few floors. Then
we’re moved to a room with a bunch of benches and a toilet. After about a half hour some Officers direct everyone to
come out and line up against the right side of the wall. He calls out each person’s last name and when he gets done he
says “everybody this way and stay close to the wall”. We all march down the hall, against the wall until we get to a
holding cell. I sit there for another half hour. Finally my name gets called and they take me to another room. This room
has the TV and cameras in it. I guess this is how they do bond hearings these days. Myself and the rest of the inmates
there, male and female, listen to the instructions from the Officer. He explains how the bond process works and to not
say anything to the Judge unless he asks a question. He then plays a video explaining your rights and stuff. The
Officer then tells us to wait quietly until the Judge comes on the TV screen.
“All rise”…. The Officer says. So we all stand until he tells us to sit down. They go through a few people and then
this one dude gets up there. The judge says “You are charged with assault” and asks the Prosecutor what they want
to do. “Well your Honor,” the prosecutor says, “he tried to smoother his wife with a pillow your Honor. We would like the
court to impose an injunction against the defendant.” The Judge turns and asks the Public Defender what he has to
say. The Public defender tells the Judge that his defendant owns a business with his wife and that the business is
located at his residents. The Judge says, ”Alright, I’ll give you ROR and you can go get some things from your house.
But then you have to stay away from your wife until this is all worked out. Do you understand?” The defendant says
“Yes your Honor.” Judge says “next case!” Now it’s my turn. I think to myself, “It’s been twenty years since I’ve been in
jail. All I have in all that time is a few traffic tickets. So I’m thinking I should probably get ROR’d too. Right? Nope.
The Judge says,”Mr. Hillxxxx your bail is ten thousand dollars for each charge and you have to wear a GPS and an
Alcohol monitor”. My Attorney asks the judge why the Alcohol Monitor? The Judge says it’s because Officer “G”
checked the alcohol box on my arrest paper. I thought to myself, “Man, this is a load of crap. What was my BAC
Humans? I was sleeping when all this went down. I wasn’t drinking and there’s no way I can pay this bail, so I guess I’ll
be in jail for a while.” The Judge calls the next case. I patiently sit in my seat until all the defendants get there turn and
then they send me back to my cell. Where I now sit in my boat and wonder how long all this stupid human crap is going
to take. Well…. At least I made it back in time for dinner.
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